My top 10 worst gifts you could be given for Valentine’s Day

David Beckham

David Beckham's Underpants

  • Chocolates, with the message, “I love you just the way you are. Here’s another million calories!”
  • A speeding ticket from your British MP husband.
  • A two for the price of one PIP breast implant voucher with complimentary bicycle puncture repair kit.
  • A pair of David Beckham’s actual underpants.
  • A pregnancy testing kit with a note from a divorce lawyer saying, “Congratulations! You are a dad!”
  • A packet of freeze-dried sperm and a turkey baster.
  • An electrical fan heater, an extension cord and a packet of bath salts.
  • A Dyson, any Dyson!
  • A Burka with your initials sewn into it.
  • A Saudi Arabian driving licence from your husband.

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