England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland are no longer to be classified as part of the EU’s ‘Love Island’ according to sources within Brussels. After weeks of putting up with Britain’s pesky parliamentarians being unable to agree on anything, they have decided to allow MPs more time so that the Prime Minister can be voted off the hit reality TV series.
For now, the leader of The Nasty Party, Theresa May, seems to have had her bid to sink Love Island thwarted, after an intervention from acting Witch-Finder General and Speaker of the House of Commons, John Bercow. He made his ruling based on a precedent dating back to 1604 in one of the Erskine May big green law books. The books can often be seen on TV decorating the table in front of The Speaker’s Chair. It had been assumed by some contestants that they were old editions of Encyclopedia Britannica, abandoned after the invention of a thing called the internet. Hence, it came as a complete surprise that anyone would read them. The leader of the opposition, Jeremy Corbyn, was reported as saying, “I thought the table had been put there for MPs to eat their sandwiches off, although I did struggle a bit with the giant gold pepper grinder.”
John Bercow reminded the House that whilst the books were NOT a collection of powerful spells for casting demons back to Hades, as posted on Larry-the-Downing-Street-cat’s Twitter feed, they did contain useful information on MPs’ expenses. He also answered a point of order from Labour MP for Tottenham, who suggested that placing a circle of salt around the dispatch box could prevent May from initiating further mischief. In the event, it did have the effect of causing her to lose her voice; a benefit, which she managed to circumvent by using dark powers to animate her stuffed-toy monkey, Michael Gove.
The above is the outline for my latest soon-to-be-a-blockbuster screenplay, From Russia with Love II, The Brexit Years. Although I have little experience of writing for the big screen, I still feel I could have done a better job than the government in delivering Brexit. My real work is based around web application programming, and from this perspective, I can see plenty of evidence that something is wrong inside the code which runs the British political machine. It is no surprise that so few voters trust politicians. I have a theory that our parliamentary system may have been hijacked. The referendum has already been proven to have been influenced by outside funding from anonymous sources. Whilst fines have been issued by The Electoral Commission, there can be no prosecutions, as the referendum itself was deemed to be non-binding. However, this referendum has been interpreted as a huge mandate for Theresa May and her chinless overlords to trap us in an infinite loop of undeliverable, nonsensical repetition. What other explanation can there be?
My Social media accounts are now dominated by videos of brawling passengers on Ryanair and British expats, sorry I meant migrants, slugging it out over who is to blame for Brexit. I mostly see two types of posts:
Type 1: Hair-on-fire mode; We are all doomed and it’s May’s fault.
Type 2: Kamikaze mode; We want our Brexit and we want it now. People who want a second vote are undemocratic, bad losers.
Undemocratic? I want to protect these people who think voting is undemocratic, in case someone steals them. I have a bargain piece of swampland in Northern Ireland that they may be interested in buying. As undemocratic voting ‘apparently’ is, this has not stopped the heavily-defeated May government from running down the clock and bullying MPs to accept her version of reality.
Type 2 ‘Kamikaze enthusiasts’ usually post comments along the lines of: Honda closing their Swindon car plant with the loss of 3,500 direct jobs and a further 7,000 in the supply chain, has nothing to do with Brexit. Nissan not building their new models in the UK has nothing to do with Brexit. Dyson’s relocation of his headquarters to Singapore has nothing to do with Brexit. Ford, Airbus departure, nothing to do with… OMG! Please tell me that The Body Shop isn’t going to relocate out of the UK!!! Where am I going to get my organic loganberry shampoo from now?
When you point out that these closures, at the very least, suggest diminishing confidence in the UK’s future outside of the EU, the Eurosceptics simply say, “We want Brexit anyway. Get on with it.” How can you argue with people like that?
Ah, that’s where you’re wrong. There will be ‘new’ extra-special trade deals. Who needs the sodding EU anyway? It is not like it’s our biggest export market for whatever may still be made in the UK after Nigel Farage’s Independence Day. We can do new deals with the US, although we will be taking on the author of the greatest literary masterpiece since Mein Kampf: Donald Trump and his Art of the Deal, AKA: How to NOT get Mexico to Pay for your Wall.
I personally can’t get enough of scrumptious chlorine-washed chicken and hormone- impregnated meat either, and just lately have developed a craving for veggies soaked in EU- banned pesticides. I would love to be a fly on the wall when the trade negotiations start with the man who coined the phrases, America first and Grab them by the pussy. The UK will be desperate to close a deal but desperation is rarely a good starting point, especially when dealing with someone who has a reputation for being a narcissistic bully.
At this point, I am tempted to write something satirical or sing a few choruses from Snoop-Mogg’s Kremlin-sponsored new Rap album: Old MacPutin had a Troll Farm, E-I-E-I-O! Whilst I earnestly contemplate the root cause of this Brexit nightmare, the rest of Europe appears to be laughing at us, that is apart from the Spanish lady I met the other night when leaving my local bar, who told me she thought Prime Minister May was evil. Not evil, in the sense of May being some kind of intellectually-deficit, black-hole-Death-Star type of evil; she meant Evil, as in actually possessed by demons. Seriously? I felt compelled to put up some kind of defence but then I started to wonder if she didn’t have a point.
After a petition to revoke Article 50 with 5 million plus signatures is ignored, or the million or so ‘People’s Vote’ campaigners fail to garner a mention on the front page of The Sunday Times, it is worth reminding ourselves of who really benefits from Brexit. When the machines in the Swindon car plant of Honda finally fall silent, one of the principal architects of Brexit, Jacob Rees-Mogg, will have netted a cool 7 million, according to most estimates. He is a principal shareholder of Somerset Capital which has seen its value rocket since the referendum. They have now moved their headquarters to Dublin, presumably for tax reasons. The rest of Europe may be laughing at us now, but deep down they may be genuinely terrified. It is all starting to sound dreadfully familiar to those European countries that suffered under the far-right Nazi regime of the 1930s.
As ever, I cordially invite you to comment below. I am genuinely interested in understanding any rational arguments for vote ‘leave’. Why not tell us how the loss of freedom of movement will benefit you personally or stop immigration from outside of Europe? How does leaving the EU help the future of the British automotive business or that of your children and grandchildren? What do you think about the new blue, soon-to-be-printed-in-Belgium passports, with extra pages to hold an expensive European visa?