Of all the new words available to the self proclaimed guardians of the English language ‘The Oxford Dictionary’, the word ‘Selfie’ has triumphantly seen off the competition and is now the official word of 2013.
It is the act of taking your own photo with a smart phone and then uploading the final product to social media. Other contenders such as the variant ‘Selfulate’ the act of taking a slightly out of focus Selfie whilst in the midst of self abuse, were apparently rejected. I therefore offer the following as my own short list of possible contenders for 2014.
The act of defiling the English language by adding brainless words to dictionaries and then unleashing an avalanche of press releases proclaiming your great discovery.
A descriptive word for the future contents of above dictionaries and / or the contents of certain periodicals including those allegedly published by The Daily Mail.
A type of two wheeled non motorized mode of transport ridden by non members of parliament and some uniformed officers of Her Majesty’s Constabulary.
Someone whose job it is to find new words to add to dictionaries.
A worthless round metal object masquerading as currency and found in the pockets of unemployed people after the UK leaves the EU.
A possible solution to the conundrum of whether an independent Scotland should embrace the Euro or continue with the pound. Although my favoured solution would be to have Irn-Bru bottle tops as the official currency of a free Scotland.
As practised by the Crystal Methodist Reverend Flowers, it is the act of resigning your position within a bank whilst on a high.
A type of burger found mainly in Scotland made from shredded bank documents. Set to rival the more traditional Haggis, the McShredder does tend to have a bitter taste due to the ingredients being of an even more unsavoury nature.
A relationship where a country ruled by a totalitarian regime and with the 4th largest oil reserves in the world promises to enrich uranium solely for peaceful purposes, such as electricity generation. An interest in fissionable weapons grade plutonium is purely of academic interest and would never be used to build a Hydrogen bomb. (Unless God required it).
British version of Obamacare. The main difference being that poor people WILL be required to directly finance private healthcare for the already excessively wealthy.
As championed by Labour Minister for lack of Education Harriet Harman. It is the act of creating polices and regulating funding for a state run education system, whilst simultaneously ensuring that your own family and friends are exclusively privately educated.
The practice of submitting inflated expenses claims whilst serving as a member of parliament. The more outrageous the expense claim, the greater the disamolunation. For example, to ‘disamolunate’ or claim the cost of a second home located on a remote asteroid in nearby galaxy or for a new home for your ducks.
See also (disamolunation). To be less than transparent with your expenses claims, specifically with regard to having more than one flat for which you require disbursements from the public purse.
Complaining that a cruise is like being set adrift in a boat full of Telly Tubbies.
Complaining that you had to eat with the crew after being invited to dine at the Captain’s table.
Asking the Purser ‘What time is the Midnight Buffet?’
Asking a corpulent person about to go on a cruise “What time will you be boarding?” so that you can move everyone to higher ground.
Fear of TV talent shows..