Dear God, master of cyberspace, divine creator of the iPhone, Youtube, Google and a whole bunch of other cr@p we no longer appear to be able to live without. Protect us from the Google Bot Black List and maintain the secrecy of the precious algorithm, so that we can continue to charge for Search Engine Optimization, Pay Per Click Fraud and have our chains yanked by the dark overloads of the Googleplex headquarters.
Give us this day, high rankings for our key words and forgive us for all the nasty things we said we wanted to do to Bill Gates. (Especially the idea of throwing him out an aircraft at 20,000ft in airspace controlled by a Microsoft Vista operating system. Perhaps this could include a parachute with a ripcord designed by the same staff that write Windows help files).
Deliver us this day from the tweets on Twitter and lead us not into the temptation of spending too many hours with the book of narcissistic obsessive compulsive disorders, otherwise known as Facebook.
Could you also do something about those remaining Internet Explorer 6 users, for whom we spend hours hacking code and jumping through hoops, so that our websites don’t look pants on antique Walmart Laptops. Oh by the way, is there any chance that you could also persuade Microsoft to stop cranking out operating systems and web browsers. Perhaps you could fix Windows Vista for them, or simply ask them to take some time off.
Whilst you are dealing with technical stuff, would you mind asking Apple to make the text size bigger on the iPhone so that myopic old gits like me can actually read our Spam. Perhaps we could all evolve smaller fingers so that we can send text messages on the first click.
Could you also install some kind of tracking device on my son’s iPod Nano and ask both Sony and Microsoft not to keep screwing up the hardware for the new generation Playstations, Xboxes, or whatever new brain killing technology is in the pipeline to help them tighten their grip on our purse strings.
Finally, could you please, please, do something about Orange! Perhaps a medium sized meteorite, a little smaller than the one that eradicated the dinosaurs, but big enough to make a huge crater under corporate headquarters in Paris. As an interim step, maybe you could ask CEO Stéphane Richard to show his staff how to answer the phone, or make it possible to cancel a contract. Not that in Spain we don’t just love fax machines and registered letters, because our postal system is so great, and of course this really is cutting edge technology. Obviously the best form of communication with any modern telecoms giant.
For thine is the power, the glory, the matrix and the blogosphere, for ever and ever and ever, Amen…