Privacy Policy

I am Al Morton

This is the ‘privacy policy’ for the website you are looking at right now. It has been created with help from the good folk at WordPress.

The website address is http://www.almorton.com.  (The one that is in the URL bar of your browser next to where it says !not secure. Oh no! Que Jaws shark music…)

I do not harvest your personal data for any reason

However, if you wish to subscribe to receive notifications of new postings, (I want to encourage this because it follows that a big mailing list means I am very important.) I will assume that you are OK with the concept of tracking cookies and letting me know your email address, otherwise, how on earth am I going to get in touch?  You can unsubscribe at any time. I will only send information that relates to new posts or post updates. Honestly, I am too busy to do more than that anyway. Please note that this data is not shared with anyone except the people who manage my mailing lists; who have assured me that they do not interfere with elections or the due democratic process of sovereign nations. Yeah, right!

Comments

Prepare to have your mind blown:  When visitors leave comments on the site we collect the data shown in the comments form, and also the visitor’s IP address and browser user agent string to help spam detection. (Who writes this stuff? It’s pure genius and gets better.) 

An anonymised string created from your email address (also called a ‘hash’ which is nothing to do with the BREXIT process or narcotics) may be provided to the Gravatar service to see if you are using it. The Gravatar service privacy policy is available here: https://automattic.com/privacy/. (It is a great read but the plot is a bit thin). After approval of your comment, your profile picture is visible to the public in the context of your comment.

Media

I do not allow third parties to upload media to my website. So forget about that! Never going to happen, unless it is genuine fake news.

Contact forms

I plan to have a contact form one of these days. Last time I tried it, I got buried alive in spam from Ugg-sodding-boots. If I put a form on the website, and I am not saying I will. You will need to prove that you are NOT A ROBOT and also have sworn, that at no point in your life, you have owned a pair of those hideous Ugg boots or attended a Pat Matheney concert. If I see my wife wearing them; that alone could be grounds for divorce. I on the other hand, dress impeccably, mostly.

Cookies – yum oh (not that type?)

Sickbags on standby. I didn’t write this next bit. Apparently, we have to have it, so that the ‘Nanny State’ can protect your ‘human rights’ from being violated by the likes of almorton.com.  Feel free to vent your outrage and frustration on that made-with-child-labour mobile device.

If you leave a comment on this site you, may opt-in to save your name, email address, bra size and website in cookies. These are for your convenience so that you do not have to fill in your details again when you leave another comment. These cookies will last for one year (presumably because they are made with GMO components.)

If you have an account and you log in to this site (I’ve just remembered, nobody is getting an account, so the rest of this section has been deleted.)

Embedded content from other websites

Articles on this site may include embedded content (e.g. videos, images, articles, etc.). Embedded content from other websites behaves in the exact same way as if the visitor has visited the other website.

These websites may collect data about you, use cookies, embed additional third-party tracking, and monitor your interaction with that embedded content, including tracking your interaction with the embedded content if you have an account and are logged in to that website. (At this point, a major face-palm.) There are limits. Next, it will be straight bananas. 

Analytics

Analytics is something Google and a few metrics companies do. They are far too clever to be called out by the likes of your average almorton.com visitor. They say it is all anonymous. It is not, they are listening. Yes, be paranoid. There are actual monsters under the bed. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Who we share your data with

If you have a Facebook account and you are still worried about your data being shared. Grow UP and get a life. Really, I can’t believe I am having to even waste energy typing this crap. Obviously, someone, somewhere thinks we don’t have better things to do. So just for there record and at the risk of repeating myself. I DO NOT HARVEST YOUR DATA. You already know who the main culprits are. However, If I did, you would only have yourselves to blame. If you think your data is so precious: Close your Facebook account, Twitter and other social media accounts. Then delete your internet history. If you have done all that, well done. You will have earned some genuine respect and will almost certainly start to lead a more productive life.

How long we retain your data

In common with many Blog owners. I only care about your data inasmuch as we want to make money from our websites.  Oh, and just like the BBC, we also want to ‘inform’, ‘entertain’ and ‘educate’.  LOL.  Ask Google how long they keep your data. Once you have your answer, send it on a postcard to me and I will tell you how long I keep the data that I have already just told you I totally do not collect.

If you leave a comment, the comment and its metadata are retained indefinitely. This is so we can recognise and approve any follow-up comments automatically instead of holding them in a moderation queue.

For users that register on our website (if any), we also store the personal information they provide in their user profile. All users can see, edit, or delete their personal information at any time (except they cannot change their username). Website administrators can also see and edit that information.

What rights you have over your data

If you have an account on this site or have left comments, you can request to receive an exported file of the personal data we hold about you, including any data you have provided to us. This is because just like our superannuated MP’s and MEP’s, we also have too much free time. You can also request that we erase any personal data we hold about you, (I would have led with that). This does not include any data we are obliged to keep for administrative, legal, or security purposes.

Where we send your data

Standby for the grand finale: Visitor comments may be checked through an automated spam detection service as well as 12 monkies with typewriters and hammers during peak times.

To be fair, I have had enough of this now, so I will curtail the rest of this privacy statement. To sum up: I don’t plan to intentionally break any laws, but small sites such as this one, are not the issue. Think about it. Has the internet got better or worse of late?  I personally believe that it is conforming to the 2nd law of Thermodynamics; a neat little law written in scientific jargon, which basically states that everything good eventually turns to shit.  Just for once, wouldn’t it be great to go on a website and not have to agree to a list of terms longer than a Stephen King novel? Youtube is also starting to head south. Once you have sat through the brain-killing adverts for whatever crap is monetising the channel, you then have to put up with the ‘like’, ‘subscribe’ and ‘share’ charade.

I am going to end by saying that if you are truly worried about your data and privacy; stay the hell away from the internet. I for one, have better things to do than run around pandering to a bunch of over-indulged snowflakes, who cannot order a meal at a restaurant without first checking their social network notifications over a dozen times. For my own amusement, the template continues below:

Your contact information

You know how to contact me, and I can find you. Let’s leave it at that.

Additional information

How we protect your data

I keep this in a tin box at the foot of my bed.

What data breach procedures we have in place

I will hunt all hackers down relentlessly before dealing with them using martial art’s skills, having first removed my belt, so as not to bring karate into disrepute. This may include, but not exclusively, an insane level of cruelty and spleens being removed via the nostrils with a pair of rusty pliers. Culprits will then be forced to parade around naked in Benidorm, whilst wearing a pair of Ugg boots.

What third parties we receive data from

The Clinton Foundation, CIA, FBI and The Stormy Danniels fan club.

What automated decision making and/or profiling we do with user data

I use the HAL9000 Maybot. It’s freaking brilliant, but a bit willful, although, as to it having a mind of its own; that’s just pure fantasy.

Industry regulatory disclosure requirements

Something along the lines of, we can do whatever we want, whenever we want, to anyone we want and for as long as we want, as long as it turns a tax free buck. Oops. Sorry I copied that by mistake from Amazone. Ask the EU, they have a website thingy about this kind of stuff. Link not provided.