Donald Trump is in no doubt as to the meaning of the word ‘woke’, but when I received an email from a friend using the term out of context, I realised that there was quite a bit of confusion. When people in the US and the UK are asked to define woke, many have no idea. So in a TakeOut podcast first, I have designed a 15-point questionnaire challenge to help you find out whether you are ‘woke’. You see, if you are a Guardian reader, then clearly there can be no doubt about it: you are definitely woke. Whereas if you get your news from media such as GB News, who for some reason appears to have blocked me on Twitter, then you are quite safe and in no way infected with the ‘woke mind virus’. Don’t worry about the frothing of the mouth; it’s normal…
Grab a pen and a piece of paper and then answer each of these questions as honestly as you can. No cheating mind! If you answer ‘yes’, then that is 2 points on the barometer of wokeness. If you answer ‘maybe’ or ‘sometimes when no one is looking and the bathroom door is locked’, then that is 1 point. And finally, if you answer ‘HELL NO!!!’, then that is a zero for wokeness.
OK so here we go – kneepads at the ready, I mean fingers on buzzers please and get ready to play…
HOW WOKE AM I?
Q1: Do you own an air fryer or harbour ambitions to do so?
Q2: Have you ever bought or been tempted to buy a Greggs vegan sausage roll?
Q3: Do you own a matching Smeg kettle, toaster, and blender? If you have all three that should technically be 3 woke points and there is no point in answering the rest of the questionnaire as there can be no doubt: you are suffering from terminal wokeness.
Q4: Do you take Earl Grey tea with milk, eat Greek yoghurt, or troll around the vegetable section of the supermarket squeezing avocados?
Q5: Do you listen to folk music or have a Zamfir panpipes album in your music collection?
Q6: Have you ever criticised Morris dancers in public?
Q7: Do you own or have desires to own an electric vehicle which is NOT a Tesla?
Q8: Do you believe that Joe Biden is the current and legitimate president of the USA?
Q9: Would you take a pillow if you went to a music festival such as Glastonbury or Burning Man? If you have never heard of either, take an extra point off your final score.
Q10: Do you know what kettle chips are and have you ever purchased them?
Q11: Do you own a dog that looks the same at both ends such as a Pug or a Pomeranian? If you own a Dachshund and walk it with a lead that is made to look like a string of sausages, that is an extra 3 woke points!
Q12: Do you prefer small boats to cruise ships?
Q13: Have you ever been wild swimming? (Not recommended for people living in the UK)
Q14: Do you own an electric scooter?
Q15: Do you buy vegetarian pet food or own a dog pram?
OK, let’s check the results: if your score is below 5, you are probably not woke but you should still continue to listen to Fox News and buy the Daily Mail.
If you scored between 5 and 10, I am sorry to say that you are borderline woke. It could be that you don’t realise it. You may start to experience rejection from people on the Telegraph dating site.
If you scored above 10, you are undoubtedly as woke as f**k. You may experience cravings for tofu, and go around mumbling something about what a good job Jeremy Corbyn did. Sadly, you may be beyond help and both the Republican Party and the Conservatives strongly recommend that you avoid polling stations during elections, or thinking too hard about anything.