It’s FREE… These bi-monthly podcasts (mostly) are a combination of satirical sketches and Spanish UK & US cultural differences. The series includes stories from my time as a professional guitarist and sound engineer. You can stream them directly from the embedded player. Click the link underneath each episode for a full *transcript and further information.
* Transcripts available on some later episodes only
IMPORTANT: If you pause the podcast a notification may ask you to download the Podbean App, just reload the page and resume where you left off. Allow a few seconds for the page to refresh.
The latest episode is below – released 11th of August 2024:
Jazz Catastrophes, Royal Gongs & Sangría: Episode 22. In this late-election issue, we dive into the murky waters of Clacton to find out if something dangerous is lurking. We examine the history behind England’s favourite patron saint, St George. There are more ludicrous royal honours and a potential knighthood for Johnson’s dog, Dylan. I end up in hot water for playing jazz in a blues bar as experts on the GB News website warn about the perils of holidaying in Spain. And finally, more antics from X, the platform formerly known as Twitter.
SPAIN WARNING! This product may contain nuts and some truly dreadful guitar playing. Honestly, you’d probably be better off listening to something else.
Read production credits by clicking this link
The Piranhas of Benidorm: Episode 21: In this special edition we celebrate the spirit of HS2 cancel-culture and salute the British green-washed, Prime Minister Rishi Sunak. I suggest alternative uses for the Bibby Stockholm ‘stop-the-boats’ prison barge. Baroness Barbie tells us about her first day in the House of Lords and I come face-to-face with the perils of The Telegraph dating App. We explore why piranha-like fish are attacking tourists around Benidorm’s beaches. We also discuss X, the pointlessly renamed Twitter. Finally, why not stick around ‘until the end and take my 15-point challenge to find out if you have been infected by the woke mind virus.
WARNING! Despite its superficial nature. Listener discretion is advised.
Read production credits by clicking this link
The Rise Of The Machines: Episode 20: In this issue, we take a dive into the world of artificial intelligence. We find out what happens when your virtual girlfriend decides to dump you. Spoiler alert: calling tech support is about as helpful as asking Prince Andrew for dating advice. We use a pirate treasure map to locate a Brexit benefit and drop in at the Tory Party election Death Star for a dose of anger-management therapy. In addition, we meet GB News’ democracy expert and real-life Thunderbird puppet, Lady V – who wants all protesters locked up. Oooh hold my beer! And finally, get ready for a showdown with a banking app as we learn the reason why the 2001 Space Odyssey ‘pod bay doors’ wouldn’t open.
WARNING: The TakeOut Podcast does contain some adult content, so hide your kids and wives!
Read production credits by clicking this link
Springtime for Turnips: Episode 19: In this issue, we salute the humble root vegetable at the heart of the Tory British Empire. There are Chinese spy balloons popping up all over the place, and we ask if the presenters of GB News are suffering from Long Johnson. There is a shaggy-dog story as we drop in on another guitar lesson from Venus. We also dive into all the naughty bits from Prince Harry’s book, Spare, with help from Mike Britton. And last but not least, remembering Acker Bilk.
WARNING: The TakeOut Podcast does contain some adult content
Read production credits by clicking this link
A Christmas Knee Episode 18: We discuss why it could be a bad idea to ask Melania Trump to decorate your tree and ask – should football be banned at Christmas? Also, why does tofu taste so nasty when ‘Lefty Guardian readers’ are supposed to love it? And what does ‘woke’ actually mean? We feature the new Die Hard Christmas movie, Winter of Discontent, starring Sushi Fishsnack as a hard-bitten UK prime minister. Can he prevail over the nurses, train drivers, and post-office strikers who want to blow up the economy or is it all an ERG / Putin plot? Finally, Mike Britton on protecting your home from pesky carol singers. All this, plus Suela Braverman’s tips for refugees who want to keep warm this winter: move to Rwanda.
WARNING: The Takeout podcast is the ‘woke mind-virus’ of satirical comedy and does contain some adult content.
Read production credits by clicking this link
Fifty Shades of Stupid Episode 17. It’s time to load up those cost-of-living pitchforks and light the ‘angry mob’ torches as we head down to Westminster to demand more money for MPs and tax cuts for the rich. We discuss what was found in the FBI raid on Trump’s Mar-a-Lago estate, and ask if Liz Truss really is Lady Penelope’s marionette puppet from Thunderbirds. Will she even be capable of replacing our magnificent sex-god prime minister? Pamela from Eltham thinks not! We return to the Tory Party Death Star to learn how a proper Evil Empire would deal with pesky refugees. There will be Mumsnet ice cream recipes for cats, guitar lessons from Venus, and we meet some of the girl bots of Twitter. Finally, remembering Ronnie Scott.
Read production credits by clicking this link
Running With Trolls and Scoffing Crisps. Episode 16; In this edition, I feature a clash between Jack Monroe, author of Cooking on a Bootstrap, and a right-wing troll on social media. I explore the attention deficit caused by swiping video shorts on TikTok, Instagram and YouTube, and ask if this is harming our mental health. It turns into a bit of a rant (sorry). There is an update on the story about the bear that broke into an Italian bakery. This time he’s causing mayhem on a train. We try to interview the porn actor who was fired for watching politics on his phone whilst on the job and ask the question: Which tractors are the sexiest, and can you be arrested for interfering with them? There will be more beer and curry-fuelled shenanigans from the podcast that is the Fukushima of satirical comedy.
Read production credits by clicking this link – credits
Read an extract from this podcast here – running with trolls
Specs, Drugs, and Sausage Rolls. Episode 15; In this edition, we meet the captain of the Brexit & Orient Pirate Ship, Spirit of Britain (now registered in Cypress). We visit an Italian bakery as Carrito, a rare wild bear, goes full ‘tonto’ and scoffs all the biscuits. We also try to save a big dog called Boris after it eats a pair of the British prime minister’s socks in an Italian castle. Finally, Mike Britton, jazz-guitar twanger to the stars, explains why he had to give his award back and shares a few tips on keeping warm during the fuel crisis. I hope you can find the time to join me in this face-slapping, Kinder-Egg Surprise of a Takeout.
Read full details by clicking this link – specs-drugs-and-sausage-rolls
A Parrot, a Fridge and a Spanish Driving Test. Episode 14: This edition drops in on the British Prime Minister as he fields a call from the Queen mid-Downing Street party. Brenda from Bristol adds her voice to the political maelstrom and we hear from a Cov-idiot on a train. I chat about the Winter of Discontent then join the British Foreign Secretary as she jets off to Ozz in search of Brexit benefits for farmers. I take the Spanish test for drivers nearing their sell-by date and as a result, visit the doctor. We finish off with an uplifting contribution from Mike Britton. There will be parrot jokes, jazz twangers, and a parade of sequinned elephants.
Read full details by clicking this link – a-parrot-and-a fridge
One-Rule-For-Us, One Yule For them. Episode 13. Are you ready to Christmas party? Then join Dick Dastardly Johnson and the leader of the Ant Hill gang as they argue over the wine and cheesy nibbles at the annual lockdown Prime Minister’s quiz. Also, Did Joe Biden set fire to the Fox News Christmas tree? Is he really the Tinsel-Torcher of Mid-Town Manhattan?
Read full details by clicking this link – One-Yule-For-Them
Climate Wars & Fashionable Dogs. Episode 12 has a green theme (well more a shade of brown really). Greta Thunberg sings ‘You can shove your climate crises up your @rse’ outside of the COP26 Climate Conference; the Royal Family share their tips on fighting global warming, and I challenge British Tory MPs to swim in the water near Bristol. We also ask if it is safe to eat snack foods that list ‘British salt’ as a non-EU ingredient? Finally, my great friend Mike Britton recounts his life aboard The QE2 as a working musician along with the antics of Captain No-Port McNaught.
Read full details by clicking this link https://www.almorton.com/climate-wars/
What Time is The Midnight Buffet? Episode 11 asks: Does the word ‘Foreign’ in Foreign Office stand for the department of overseas holidays? We catch up with an ex-minister in charge as he tries to repatriate a painting of Her Majesty the Queen from the British Embassy in Kabul and also some dogs. We drop in on President Biden in the White House as he fields a difficult call from the British prime minister. I chat about the morality of the cruise industry and answer the big question: What time is the midnight buffet?
Read full details by clicking this link https://www.almorton.com/what-time-is-the-midnight-buffet/
You Only Lie Twice – Episode 10. In this issue, we explore what would happen if British Prime Minister Johnson were to play the role of James Bond’s nemesis, supervillain Ernst Stavro Blofeld. Would he really feed his political allies to the piranhas? Plus Pink Floyd’s production manager called my grandmother. Oh dear, this one is going to be a shocker! Join me and our billionaires in space as we romp through this one-rule-for-us-and-a-different-rule-for-you edition of The Al Morton Takeout…
Read full details by clicking this link https://www.almorton.com/you-only-lie-twice/
The Pirate Code – Episode 9. This episode is brought to you live from the decks of The Black Pearl, where Captain Balboa instructs Liz Truss on the facts about the British Ministerial Pirate Code. We pay a visit to the Downing St Media Centre and drop in on the recording of a Nasty Party political broadcast. I pay tribute to HRH the Duke of Edinburgh and discuss cultural differences between the UK and Spain. Finally, I ask the question: Is football necessary? Warning – listeners of a sensitive disposition should skip the first half to avoid embarrassing scenes with a pole dancer…
Read full details by clicking this link…https://www.almorton.com/the-pirate-code/
Read full details by clicking this link…https://www.almorton.com/mr-potato-head/
Read full details by clicking this link…https://www.almorton.com/aardvarks/
Read full details by clicking this link…https://www.almorton.com/the-cruel-sea/
Read full details by clicking this link…https://www.almorton.com/typhoid-mary/
You can follow us on Twitter @almorton2 and Instagram @almorton_author. There is a Facebook page Al-Morton.
DISCLAIMER: The TakeOut Podcast is intended for entertainment purposes only. The content presented here is satirical and fictional in nature. The views and opinions expressed in this podcast do not necessarily reflect the views of the creators or hosting platform. We do not endorse or condone any of the actions or viewpoints portrayed. Listener discretion is advised.